brokenheart
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![[*]](./images/engage/default_icon.gif) posted on 9-1-08 at 08:48 AM |
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does he have to be "addicted" ?
Hello Everyone.
I am just looking for some moral support. Here is my Story..
My husband of 11 years is a great guy that has always been a wonderful husband and best-friend. We have enjoyed amazing sex our entire 15 years
together. About a year ago I discovered he was looking at porn on a fairly regular basis. Not for hours at a time, but several times a week if not
daily for up to an hour or two. I tried not to let it bug me, but it was eating at my emotional well-being and my self esteem. I began to feel that he
NEEDED to look at porn to have sex with me, and we were beginning to have trouble with his ability to retain or get an erection. This had most
definitely not been a problem for us, and he tried to claim it was medical. When I confronted him about the porn, and told him how it made me feel, he
got VERY defensive. I got the same stories about how all men do it, and it was my issue, my problem, but he wouldn't do it anymore if it bothered me
so much. A few weeks later... after another very large melt down, he PROMISED never to look again. He has always been good for his word, and I have
never had reason to distrust him so I believed him. About 3 months later I found history of recent visits to porn sites again. Nothing bizarre or hard
core, never has been, but I still felt incredibly betrayed and heartbroken. I ignored it for months because I did not want to face another
confrontation. But, it ate me up inside.
I am afraid first and foremost that I will never see him the same way as a loyal and dependable partner and friend. I am afraid I will always feel
that he is thinking about the girls on the internet when we have sex. I am afraid that the full trust I have always had in him is irreplacable.
I don't undersand it. We have shared an incredible sex life by both of our standards. I am a 36 year old attractive, petite 5'1" 105# woman that
offers my husband no end to all the sex he could want, I have never told him no, I enjoy our sex as much as he. We are very good together.
So... why does he feel compelled to look at it? It is hard for me to say he is an addict, because he clearly does not spend hours into the night
viewing it, It is not hard core (although his choices still bug me) and he never pays for access to sites, only looks at the free stuff. In the end,
It still erodes my faith in him, my own self-esteem, and my desire to be faithful.
There is a part of me that wants to cheat just to hurt him the way he is hurting me, and to prove to myself that I am still attractive and want-worthy
of the opposite sex. I feel stupid that this all even gets to me in the first place... why can't I just live with it? I am terrified it will escalate,
I am terrified that this will destroy our marriage.
He has again sworn off the porn... Wish I believed him. Wish I believed he could do it because he didn't need it.
I just need some emotional support. "Addicted" or not doesn't really matter if the pain is the same.
heartbroken
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toft
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| posted on 9-1-08 at 10:02 AM |
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Hi Brokenheart, and welcome to PAI. I am sorry you had to seek answers for such a terrible question, but everybody here has had to do the same and we
know it hasn't been easy for you.
Your post is so eloquently written and clearly describes many of the wives and girlfriends of porn addicts. I don't have the credentials to diagnose
online, but I am the wife of an addict. What you have described is a husband with an addiction. While everybody is different and each individual
with an addiction is different, the addiction itself and the behavior that goes along with it is almost always identical.
It isn't about how many times a person looks at porn or for how long the sessions last. Many people can look at porn and then walk away. The addict
MUST keep going back to porn. They can't not look at porn. This is why they begin to lie to protect the next fix.
| Quote: | Originally posted by brokenheart
When I confronted him about the porn, and told him how it made me feel, he got VERY defensive. I got the same stories about how all men do it, and it
was my issue, my problem, but he wouldn't do it anymore if it bothered me so much. |
This is an example of gaslighting and I have yet to see an addict not use this tactic. It's your problem not his, you are crazy, imagining things.
This is a defense tool. But you know this isn't your issue, right? The porn addiction never wants to see the light of day.
| Quote: |
I am afraid first and foremost that I will never see him the same way as a loyal and dependable partner and friend. I am afraid I will always feel
that he is thinking about the girls on the internet when we have sex. I am afraid that the full trust I have always had in him is irreplaceable.
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Losing them as we have seen them in the past is a very difficult thing to imagine and this is where the grief comes in. We don't want to lose that
man as we knew him.
| Quote: |
I don't understand it. We have shared an incredible sex life by both of our standards. I am a 36 year old attractive, petite 5'1" 105# woman that
offers my husband no end to all the sex he could want, I have never told him no, I enjoy our sex as much as he. We are very good together.
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Here is what is hard to understand: His addiction isn't about you, has never been about you, and has nothing to do with your sex life. He is a porn
addict in need of a fix. If we could control their addiction with great sex, none of us would be here. As they say in CoDA, you didn't cause his
addiction, you can't control his addiction and you cant cure his addiction.
| Quote: |
So... why does he feel compelled to look at it? |
He isn't compelled, he HAS to look at it. It really has nothing to do with sex as you view sex. It is about the chemicals his own body manufactures
and sends to his brain when he views porn. See http://www.pornaddictioninfo.com for a
better explanation.
I thought about an affair too, but that isn't who I am and that isn't who you are either. Think hard about that and dig deep to try to keep yourself
from becoming somebody you are not.
He may have sworn off the porn again but as an addict he will not be able to do it alone. He has an escalated NEED to look at porn. My suggestion is
that you go to a book store and look at the titles of books by Patrick Carnes. If your husband's porn addiction is mostly internet, then pick one up
related to that. There will probably be a questionaire in the book that he could read and relate to that might get through to him that he is an
addict. Give this book to your husband and suggest that he read it (don't insist!) and then look for a local S-Anon group in your area. The
important thing right now is that you get some help and support for YOU! Seriously, find a therapist or a group that will help you understand not
only why your husband is where he is, but to help you learn that you can only help him by not trying to do his recovery for him. He has to do that on
his on.
Now is the time to put yourself first.
toft
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I didn't say it would be easy! I said it would be worth it!
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If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
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frenchie
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| posted on 11-1-08 at 10:23 AM |
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I think that you have said all the things that I have felt, to a tee. I would have to tell you that if you have a problem with what he is doing; he is
your husband, he should be trying to do anything and everything to make you happy- I am sure you would and have been doing the same for him. While he
can't change for you now, the fact that he wasn't always thinking about you and your feelings lets you know that there is something wrong. Call it
whatever you want, I call it addiction.
As for cheating, the thoughts I had about it were that I would never do it and that would make me better than him. I think that this thought is just
as damaging as considering cheating. I still have this idea that one day he is going to wake up and I will have been perfect all this time and he is
going to feel awful and realize how good I was to him while he was so bad to me.
It comes down to doing things for yourself- you can't do anything to change him, you can help him if he wants you to, but you have to work on
yourself. How would cheating make you feel about yourself? I doubt it would help you.
Keep reading and posting, because this site has helped me in thousands of ways. I don't know that I would have survived without it. I'll keep you in
my thoughts!
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hlee
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| posted on 13-1-08 at 08:01 AM |
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Delete Addict Speak
Note to hlee: Please start reading and learning about addict speak. The fact of the matter is that all men do not view porn and if they do, and if
they are addicts it is in no way the partner who has the problem. I wish you healing.
T
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Gloria
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| posted on 13-1-08 at 03:06 PM |
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Broken heart so sorry for the pain you are going through. I discovered my husbands porn use back in August last year, so I fully understand your hurt.
Keep visiting here daily it will help you immensely. I never miss a day visiting and reading, and very occasionally I post. Mostly I am taking the
time to post now to say please ignore the statement that " all men do it." That is just not true. Decent men don't. If he is a decent man then he will
want to stop for himself, and hopefully he will suceed. Only he can make that decision. You must look after You. Hugs
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toft
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| posted on 13-1-08 at 08:05 PM |
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brokenheart, I hope you continue to visit and let us know how you are doing. We are here for you!
T
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I didn't say it would be easy! I said it would be worth it!
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If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
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Livefree
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| posted on 7-2-08 at 12:41 PM |
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hi broken heart, "There is a part of me that wants to cheat just to hurt him the way he is hurting me" i feel the exact same way and i just found
out about this PA on saturday. I dont know what to do. I hope you can work through it. I want to be positive with my bf but i am seriously thinking
of leaving our relationship.
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exhausted
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| posted on 7-2-08 at 02:42 PM |
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Thank you brokenheart . You have clearly stated my feelings and have helped me feel a bit more empowered about my own feelings.
I too am recent to acknowledging there is a problem with P&rn and my long term spouse (15 years with kids). It never started off as a problem, but
it is now.
I feel as lost as you sound and agree with the other respondants that this is a good place to find information and support, but no matter how hard we
may try to help our spouses, in the end we must look after ourselves first and hope the spouses, before it is to late and numbness sets in, see what
we see in the mirror.
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smallbrowncat
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| posted on 9-2-08 at 06:00 PM |
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brokenheart,
My heart goes out to you.
Your storey is the same as mine in almost every way:
I am attractive--we have tons of varied sex--I never say no--he is an awesome guy in every other way--he doesn't look for hours at a time--and he just
looks at the free stuff.
I've begged, screamed, cried, pleaded, been completely pathetic, kicked him out, fallen apart, and been physically ill because of this and he still
doesn't stop. I've also, like you, thought of having a affair just to validate my sex appeal and hurt my BF like he's hurt me.
We are now doing everything we can to stay together including counseling and a recovery program for sexual addictions.
I've come to realize that what makes him an addict is his inability to keep his promises to me to stop engaging in P. We just had a baby and I know
my son and I are my BF's whole world, yet he looked at P two weeks ago while I was getting a haircut and our little boy was in the next room.
If a habit is becoming destructive and threatens to destroy someone's life and everything they love and they can't stop, they're addicted.
Things can get better all of us that are suffering--both addicts and partners--and I pray that they do.
Hang in there and take care of yourself!
smallbrowncat
\"If you don\'t find God in the next person you meet, it is a waste of time looking for him further.\"
-Mahatma Gandhi
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4senough
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| posted on 22-2-08 at 10:43 AM |
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I just read your story and must say we are living very similiar lives. I am 38 yrs old and found out about 2 yrs ago my husband was looking at
internet porn. I confronted him and he completely denied it. I was able to provide the sites and times he had been on the internet. Just as you
have indicated he is a good father and good husband other than the porn issue. I have found the history on the computer of porn sites and once again
conforted him. I have mixed feelings about what to do now. I found this new information on Sunday 2/18. The biggest problem I have is that he does
not feel their is anything wrong with what he is doing. He states he has never been with anyone since we starting dating in 97' and never had any
feeling for anyone. I also found names of other woman he was searching for on myspace. Upon asking about the searches he says this is normal and
everyone looks up people they were involved in a relationships with. I feel very betrayed and am struggling with what to do. I went to counseling
last Wed as I can't deal with this very well.
He has accused me of spying on him. Well I would wonder why I spy unless I would have some feeling to look. Everytime I have looked he has been to
the porn internet sites. He tells me that he is his own person and does not want anyone to control him. I don't have a desire to control him only to
feel trust which I now feel is gone.
I have ordered 3 books last night after searching the internet for help. I will post if they provide any help at all. I have a very empty feeling
and need some support.
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RMJ
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| posted on 4-3-08 at 09:50 AM |
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Hi all, I am sorry to hear of the pain you all have and who do all you can to please and it does not stop these guys.
I would also please my partner to the max and he would still sexualize others and mb. As a matter of fact he would do it more right after we had been
together for hours.
In 2004 when he told me he used me to pretend I was others I stopped feeling like I had about him. At that point we had been together since 2000.
I know he used me a lot more than he said he did for this stuff. And now that he is in complete denial he says he did not actually pretend but only
said in his head that I was so and so.
As far as checking on these guys and they get mad about it that is too bad!! They deserve to be checked on if they cannot be honest. You deserve the
truth and if that means checking on them for that for you own sanity then so be it.
I hate addicts who get indignant with their SOs if the SO feels like they need to check.
At the same time I feel once you know that an SO should get help for themselves and not keep hurting themselves by checking. You know already and go
from there.
It is hard though and we get ill from it all. Does not make sense to us as SOs. But Toft described it to the tee and it makes sense.
God bless us all, RMJ
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Astro
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| posted on 4-3-08 at 09:11 PM |
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I know this is the forum for SO's only, but I just wanted to give a response to brokenheart's initial post from a PA's point of view, because
something you said could have been almost word for word a description of ME.
| Quote: | | About a
year ago I discovered he was looking at porn on a fairly regular basis. Not for hours at a time, but several times a week if not daily for up to an
hour or two. [...] A few weeks later... after another very large melt down, he PROMISED never to look again. He has always been good for his word,
and I have never had reason to distrust him so I believed him. About 3 months later I found history of recent visits to porn sites again.
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When this set of events happened between my girlfriend (then, fiance now) she didn't end up finding out in an internet browser history, but simply
asked again after a few months if I had ever looked again since I promised to quit. And I couldn't lie to her, so I told the truth. Other than this
difference, this was me, to a tee. Even if he only looks for a few hours at a time, 2-3 times a week, it's the inability to stop that makes him an
addict. Especially, the part about him always being trustworthy... except for THIS... that was me as well. I would promise to stop, but I just
couldn't.
The turning point for me was when I took the addiction quiz on this very site, and scored like 11/20 or something like that. At that point, I finally
had what I thought of as "hard evidence" that this wasn't a little "problem" but a full blown addiction. That I had to take it seriously and treat it
like any other serious addiction. Obviously every person is different, but if he's anything like me, it might help to get him to take an addiction
quiz, to help him see the truth of his addiction.
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